Valentine's Day... A day for all the lovey-dovey, gazing dreamily into each other's eyes. Yet, a day filled with sadness, leaving an empty space in my heart that can never heal.
I tried to post this earlier, but as soon as I started writing, my eyes welled up, just as they are moist right now. My whole life seemed to pass right in front of my eyes.
My heart was broken into zillions of pieces at 3.45pm by one single phone call. I sat down, dazed, my heart pumping hard, my throat dry. My life will never be the same again.
I couldn't utter anything for fear that if I did speak, tears would stream endlessly down my cheek. I gathered my things, cleared my table and switched off my PC. Picked up the phone, dialled a number and started crying.
Turned around and asked for leave from my superior, MK. I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down when I said in a halting voice, trying to maintain a calm composure, but failing badly, "MK, I have to go now. My granny just passed away."
TK was shocked to see me in tears and handed me a piece of tissue after tissue. I was weeping as I tried to pull myself together and walked towards ML's place to ask for leave.
They were shocked, and agreed immediately.
ML was so kind as to call me to see if I could drive home. She advised me to hail a cab and leave the car at the office, saying that she'll drive it home for me, but I knew I'll need my little mousedeer to run errands or buy stuffs for the funeral.
Could barely contol my tears. Sped to the nursing home. It was raining. And my heart was raining too!
Mom, Auntie Jill and Uncle Ivan were already there. I rushed in, minus the brolly. I wanted to see my beloved Por-Por one more time, one last time and to whisper my goodbye. But they've already 'ta-pao' her in white linen and placed her in the ambulance. Tears were streaming down and I started sobbing. The Indon helper in the nursing home passed me some tissues and patted my back. But the more she did, the more I wept. I couldn't even say my goodbye! I never wanted to say goodbye!
We went home and I took down the Chinese New Year decos from the door and our Xmas+CNY tree. With each ornament I took down, a tear fell down too. The people from the funeral parlour arrived soon after. We decided to have a Taoist funeral for por-por even though we're all Christians because she was always praying to the deities and asking them to bless her in her mahjong :P
It was the last thing we could do for her. Give her a dignified funeral, send her on her final journey.
Everything seemed like a dream. They brought her back in the evening, she was clad in yellow brocade, surrounded by dry ice. They told us what we should do. We bought some of the food that she used to like and placed them on the altar.
Cheoon Wah came with his mom, his wife waited in the car because she's 2 months pregnant - pantang
Cousin Melwin and I took turns to take care of the candle and joss stick - let them burn continuously and replace the burnt ones. We slept on the couch in my living room - he, on the 3-seater and I, on the 2-seater. I stayed up till 2am before succumbing to a deep sleep, too exhausted to cry. He took his turn at 3am. Johnny Boy and the dogs in the neighbourhood barking fiercely in the middle of the night. I slept on. Cousin Melwin went out and saw nothing. Did Por-Por just drop by to see us???
Thursday, 15/2/07 - Woke up and neighbour David plus a couple of elderly neighbours who were friends with my granny dropped by. Washed up and shared kopi-O with Por-por. Was calm and composed most of the time. Mary and Angela from the Cheras Cell group (Tmn Tenaga) dropped by in the afternoon. So did mom's colleagues and Cousin Marie's bro-in-law. It was pouring late in the afternoon, as if the Heavens is crying for my granny.
She brought the three of us up (cousins Marie & Melwin & I) and really pampered us, giving us a sheltered childhood and all the way up to adulthood. All our daily needs were met, she showered us with love and cared for all of us selflessly. True enough, the rain stopped to allow us to proceed with the rituals and to allow well-wishers to drop by, on this cool night (and the weather would have been hot and humid if it hadn't rained). Could it be Por-por?
They said Por-por is very considerate to leave us 3 days before our reunion dinner. They said that she left us because she didn't want to trouble us and didn't want the funeral caretakers to charge us double should she leave during Chinese New Year. Maybe she left to celebrate Valentine's Day with Ah Gung (grandpa). Maybe she wanted to have reunion dinner with Ah Gung.
But I don't want that! I want her to sit next to me during reunion dinner, just like last CNY so that I can feed her and peel prawns for her (even though I don't eat prawns). I want to peel Mandarin oranges for her and take out the seeds for her and let her see Johnny Boy and pat him. I want to greet her on the first day of CNY. I knew it might be our last CNY together and I turned down friends' invitation for a trip to Bangkok. I wanted to do everything for her, to ensure that she knows that she is the queen of my heart, of my life! But she never even wait for us, she never even said goodbye. She left us without even saying goodbye... :'(
The rain stopped in the evening. I went to buy some paper mahjong to be burnt with all the other offerings. Also bought some cakes for the well-wishers who will be coming to pay their last respects. And ice-cresm plus Sarsi for my granny. Anakin came after work. Next were Serena and Eileen.
I can' recall the last time I cried so openly and so shamelessly. And I never bothered to hide my sorrow this time.
The rites started and I couldn't help crying again. Kak Ida (auntie Jill's maid) passed me some tissue and patted my back. I couldn't help thinking that my Por-por and I would never meet again.
Auntie Sarimah (Por-por's daughter-in-law, uncle Yusof's wife) came and hugged me, I burst into tears again, "Auntie, Carrie sakit hati. Carrie tak sanggup, auntie. Tak sanggup". She was crying too. My Malay cousins came too, as well as other well-wishers. Mien Tse and Siew Ye came after Serena and Eileen left.
Kheng Hoe's (my god-bro) mom came by, Kheng Hoe pantang, so he just waited down the road. Then came Ten Hong and See Kah(my god-bro & god-sis), almost at the same time as Ms Cheong (my music teacher since I was 8yrs old), Mr Than, Kevin and Mun Yee.
Another ritual again and this time, to bring the tablet over the gold and silver paper bridges. When the Taoist priest said,"Separated forever, by the Land of the Living and Land of the Dead", I was sobbing so much that I choked on the words - the priest told us to invite my granny up and down the bridges. I didn't want to tell her to cross the bridges, I don't want her to leave and forget us...
But my cousins and I smiled through our tears as he was telling the paper effigies to take care of my granny. There was even a driver in her Benz! That Taoist fella really made us cry and laugh at the same time!
It was over by midnight. We were all tired and were not allowed to shower. I dragged myself up into my bathroom and wiped myself with a wet towel, I can't bear not being able to shower 'cause I was smelling like the joss sticks and paper offerings. Cousin Melwin slept on the couch again.
Friday, 16/2/07 - The next morning, we put on our mourning white t-shirt and black pants. Offered my granny breakfast one last time on the altar (I went out to buy her chocolates and 'dim-sum'). The band came and this cry-baby started crying again. It meant that her final journey was near. They've lifted the coffin's cover and I could touch her. We all said our goodbyes.
The band started playing a few songs. When they took a break, I went in and switched on my old Electone. I played Twilight In Upper West, my favourite song for her. Tears fell onto the keyboard and the floor, my vision blurred and I could barely read the score, but I kept on.
One last ritual and we went round her coffin several times. Then the priest blessed the house.
It was almost 10 am. The crew are almost done with their packing and placed my granny's coffin into the hearse. I could cry no more. Anakin reached just on time as we were getting ready to leave.
I requested the band to play "Hung Chan" (Red Dust). They didn't know the tune, I played a phrase on the keyboard and they nodded their acknowledgement. They were quite surprise. Then, I requested 'Yeh Lai Xiang". Both are my granny's favourite. Initially, I asked for songs from the Four Heavenly Kings, especially Leon Lai (my granny loves his songs too) but their repertoire was limited.
Then, it was time to go. We followed the hearse, till the junction. My heart was aching so much that it hurts, but I was left with no more tears to weep.
We made our way to the crematorium in Chin Fut Sze in 5 cars.
Then, the coffin was pushed into the kiln. I felt an impulse to hug the coffin and beg them not to put it in so soon! There were many things which I'd want to tell her. I saw the kiln coming alive with fire which consumed her coffin. I tried to peep from the gaps, hoping to catch a glimpse of her, but all I saw were flames, which burnt angrily and my heart ached even more!
Some final rituals and we were asked to change into something red. Then, we left for the temple where we will place her tablet. Had lunch at Keong Kee.
We went back to the temple at 4.30 pm, after taking a shower. We held joss sticks as the nun chanted scriptures.
Saturday, 17/2/07, the eve of CNY - Went to the crematorium to put her bones, fragments and ashes into the urn. We got her a place across the shelf from Ah Gung's and Tai Por-por's (1st granny) urns. Por-por once mentioned during Qing-Ming that she doesn't want to be placed next to Ah Gung. So, we got her unit 1774, opposite Ah Gung.
Thanks to all well-wishers for their attendance, 'pak-kum', phone calls, emails and text messages. Special thanks to all my friends who dropped by even though CNY was just around the corner. And thanks to Melody who called from America.
Everything is over now. We miss her a lot. The emptiness in my heart is like a bullet hole, it can never be filled. I am all right now but I look forward to the day I'll be reunited with my dear Por-por when my time on Earth expires.But for now, I'll live the life she wants me to live and hold her memories and the values that she taught me close to my heart.
The song "To Where You Are" now belongs to her and Big Dog. She loves animals, and I'm just like her. And she loves Big Dog... Is Big Dog with her now, guarding her 'paper house'???
Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me
rom up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
Yes, I'm sleeping late nowadays, surfing and looking out of the window, hopelessly wishing to catch a glimpse of her walking here and waving to me with Big Dog through the living room window. I know it's silly, but it's the only way I could "melepaskan rasa rindu terhadapnya".
Doesn't she know, it's the end of the world, it ended when she said goodbye...
Will this path lead me to her? Seems like she walked down this cold and gloomy path alone. Wished I could go with her, but I have my responsibilities here. Will she take me with her, so that I can accompany her???
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